But on days like today, I have no desire to do anything. Just a deep, numb weight forcing me back into the blankets and away from any meaningful human interaction or productive action.

However — like most of you reading this — I rarely have the luxury to indulge that bleakness. Work still needs to be done, people still need to be met, and life still has to go on.

So I’m writing this to help myself get out of that hole and into something resembling a day.

(This post isn’t about thriving. There are people much better informed and equipped to encourage you in that direction than I am — especially today. This is just to help you move from a state of inertia to movement, however small. This is about coping. The end goal is to thrive, but some days, we just need to be able to get to the evening.)

This isn’t medical or psychological advice.
This isn’t counsel if you are suffering proper depression.
This may not even work for you at all.
This is just how I’ve learned to cope when I wake up feeling like I can’t get through the day but don’t have the luxury of giving in.

1. Voice your emotional state to someone you trust. Ask them to not give you solutions. They just need to listen, to allow you to validate that you are feeling what you are feeling. Use whatever words most accurately describe how you feel. For me this morning it was helpless, hopeless and heavy. I felt overwhelmed just at the idea of getting to the end of the day.

2. If you haven’t already, get out of bed. (If your laptop lives in your bedroom, don’t open it.)

3. Shower and put on fresh clothes, if you can. Stay in pj’s or wear yesterday’s clothes if you can’t. Just get out of bed and get moving.

3. Make yourself some tea or coffee. (But even if you have stock, don’t reach for the liquor cabinet. That’s a bad idea for a number of reasons.)

4. Eat something. Anything. Just get a little sustenance in your body.

5. Do something small and practical that feels like a win. For me it was doing the dishes and writing this post, but it might be anything, from household chores to watering your garden. Whatever works for you, just try earn some small satisfaction for yourself through a physical activity that you can finish and tick off as complete.

(This may cost you valuable time in an already stressful day, so evaluate how much you can afford and choose your wins accordingly. Or — like I did this morning — just say “fuck the cost” and complete whatever you’re doing to get the win.)

6. Then settle down to work. Break your work down into small achievable goals and mentally pat yourself on the back when you accomplish them. Even if your job is long and laborious, look for ways to create breakpoints that you can reach; simple goals you can accomplish within a relatively short space of time.

It sucks feeling like this. The only way I’ve found to beat it is to put one foot in front of the other and get moving. Some days this works better than others, and I’ll be the first to admit that many days I only got to step 2 before collapsing back into a dissociative routine of sleep or mindless entertainment. But maybe doing this will help you get through one day you didn’t think you’d get through before.

And if you get through one day, use it to remind yourself that maybe you’ll be able to get through tomorrow too.

Before you know it, they will suddenly have reached a new season of life, and this time will just be a (hopefully) fond memory.
If you do nothing else during this time of social isolation or lockdown, spend quality time with your kids.

Be intentional about appreciating them.

 

Be intentional about getting into their world, for no other reason than to be part of it.

Put any agenda aside (values, lessons, anything) and just play with them.
Let them feel your delight in them, not as something to tick off a list, but as part of your very own flesh and blood.

Don’t let work be an excuse.
Don’t let your other responsibilities be an excuse.
Don’t even let your good intentions to help them grow get in the way of this.

There will be plenty of time for that in the years to come.
But this opportunity will only come once.
Don’t miss it.

(With greatest appreciation to Bill Waterson.)

We’re trying to learn new skills.
We’re trying to unlearn old habits.
We’re trying to exercise more.
We’re trying to eat better with what we have available.
We’re trying to be more present with loved ones (digitally and in person).
We’re trying to survive being locked into the same space as family and flatmates for the foreseeable future.

I recently came across an excellent tool in this article by James Clear to help this process along — habit stacking. In short, we’re making it easier to learn a new habit by building it on top of a pre-existing habit (further, cue). The key is that the cue needs to be something specific we already do during the day, preferably at a regular time. To quote from the article: “By linking your new habits to a cycle that is already built into your brain, you make it more likely that you’ll stick to the new behavior.”

Habit stacking is built on a very simple formula:
After/Before [CUE], I will [NEW HABIT].

For example:

• After I wake up, I will immediately get out of bed and stretch for 5 minutes.
• Before I make my second cup of coffee for the day, I will drink a glass of water.
• After I shower/bath, I will stay in the bathroom and meditate for 2 minutes.

There are two keys ideas to make this practice work for you.

1. Chose a cue that is highly specific and immediately actionable.
2. Choose a cue at a practical time of the day that suits the habit you want to build.

In my case, I want to start writing more regularly. To follow the points above, I need to find a good cue. Something like “when I finish work” is too nebulous (in my work environment, I don’t have any specific cues for finishing my work for the day). But “On Tuesdays and Thursdays after I put my boy to bed for his midday nap” is specific, immediately actionable and a practical time of day for me.

The more specific and actionable the cue is, the easier you will find it to build a new habit around. In my case, something like “when I break for lunch” might sound specific, but does that mean:

• When I close my laptop before eating lunch?
• After I have made my lunch but before I’ve eaten it?
• While I’m eating lunch?

Whereas “On Tuesdays and Thursdays after I put my boy to bed for his midday nap” is precise, repetitive, and an easy cue on which to stack a habit.

Choosing a time that suits the habit you want to build requires you to consider the habit you want to build within your own context. For example, you can add drinking more water to mostly any cue at any time of the day, But if your new habit requires focus or a reasonable amount of time (such as exercise or creative output), you should consider:

• How much uninterrupted time will I have before/after the cue?
• Will I be suffering from decision fatigue at that time of the day? Will that affect my ability to practice my new habit?
• Are there regular environmental (weather / available space / family or work interruptions etc.) factors that will influence my ability to practice the habit?

If the cue for your creative habit is closing your laptop at the end of the day, but you finish most work days exhausted, you’re very unlikely to sustain a new habit at that time of the day.
Or if you want to carve out creative time for yourself in the evenings after supper, but you know that putting the kids to bed can take anything from 10 minutes to 3 hours…well, you’re just going to end up frustrated.

Choose a cue that is specific and actionable, but also one that fits your context.

Finally, the real value of habit stacking is… well, that you can use it to stack multiple habits on top of each other. For example:

1. After I wake up, I will immediately get out of bed and stretch for 5 minutes.
2. After I have stretched, I will make my partner and I coffee
3. After I finish my coffee, I will pray / meditate for 3 minutes.
4. After I pray / meditate, I will kiss my partner and move to my work space (even if it is just a place where you prep to leave for the office)
5. Once I am in my work space, I will check my diary for any appointments / meetings, and make a list of anything I need to bring or prepare for them

And so on. How you use this tool is limited to your context and creativity. And of course, the amount of discipline you have to actually follow through.

I’m still getting started with this tool, so I’ll have to get back to you on how it works for me. Has this tool impacted your life? Let me know in the comments below.

There are a lot of fascinating theories related to this one which I am not going to get into for the practice of staying focused and to keep this post to a readable length, but you are welcome to dig deeper if you have the time and inclination:

1. The cycle of building new habits (Cue — Craving — Response — Reward)
   • Read the wiki here (a general overview on habits)
   • James Clear’s take on the matter
   • Scholarly articles on creating habits
2. Implementation intention
   • Read the wiki here
   • James Clear’s take on the matter
   • Scholarly articles on implementation intention
3. Synaptic pruning
   • Read the wiki here
   • Healthline’s summary on the topic
   • Scholarly article on synaptic pruning
4. Decision fatigue
   • Read the wiki here
   • James Clear’s take on the matter
   • Scholarly articles on decision fatigue